Today I just feel like sharing a little part of my life. Actually, it's a big part of my life. It's a big, unfortunate, painful, frustrating part of my life, and it's an issue that I've only just begun to understand how to deal with. The issue I'm referring to is that of headaches and migraines.
This particular story line of my life began when I was about 4 years old. I don't necessarily recall a "first" headache, but my mom told me that I was at least that young when I started complaining about pain in my head. What I do remember is missing many days of school because of migraines that caused me to puke. I remember getting sick almost every time I got in the car, especially during long road trips. I missed the first day of 5th grade because of a migraine. I remember waking up at my friend Megan's house and nearly throwing up because I desperately needed food in me and my head was spinning. I remember many play dates scheduled that had to be cancelled after I went directly up to the computer room and laid on the couch with an ice pack on my neck. I remember yelling at my friends at a few of my own birthday parties telling them to be quiet because I had a migraine. I remember laying on the floor at the back of a few church services at summer camp, crying because of the pain and the noise, and the fact that no one would let me leave to lie down in my bed.
There are a lot more stories like that, but you get the point. I just accepted my headaches and didn't think anything could really be done. A few of my aunts and cousins get migraines and headaches, so it wasn't too unusual for me to have them from a family history standpoint. The thing about my headaches is that there isn't just one cause for them. Nearly anything can trigger one. If my environment is too bright, too dark, too cold, too hot, too humid, or too noisy I will get a headache. If I've had too much or not enough sugar or caffeine, not enough sleep, too much sleep, or uncomfortable sleep I will get a headache. If there is a strong odor or a specific type of odor (the combination of peanut butter sandwiches and Doritos gives me a dull ache every time) I will get a headache. If I'm standing all day long or holding my purse for a good chunk of time I will get a headache (I almost always get one after I've been to the mall). Or if I'm sitting or laying around all day I will get a headache. I had to miss out on seeing Jumanji in the theater because I got an nauseous migraine. I get motion sickness on almost all types of rides and car trips (not as badly as an adult because I don't do as many rides and I've learned how to manage myself in cars enough to avoid headaches). Altitude changes and humidity changes give me headaches.
As you can see, there are a lot of unavoidable circumstances that bring on headaches for me. As a child, I don't think there was any way to communicate these things clearly to my parents and they had no way to understand what was going on, but we all just more or less accepted that this was how life was for me. My neck has always been a contributing factor in my headaches and migraines as well - I don't remember my shoulders and neck muscles ever being relaxed. My mom would give me a massage and then tug down on my shoulders demanding me to relax! I didn't know how to, but that was definitely what I needed.
We didn't seek professional help until I was a junior in high school. The pain of my headaches combined with my fair share of emotional instability often caused me to wish for an early end to my life. Following a significant breakup, a significant loss of friendships, and a D in precalc... I more or less hit a low spot in my life and rarely smiled and often cried myself to sleep. I remember sitting at the kitchen counter in defeat, and my mom suggested that I get help for my depression. Being a Christian, I thought it would be wrong to seek help for my emotions, as God should be enough for me. Ironically, I thought it would be OK if I got help for my physical problems from a doctor... more on that later haha. So I ended up going to a neurologist and I know I started crying when he acknowledged that I was probably feeling overwhelmed and helpless. He prescribed Zoloft for falling asleep. It was taking me about two hours each night to fall asleep because of my extreme anxiety, which didn't help a lot for the headaches. After seeing the neurologist, I started seeing a biofeedback specialist, which is basically a person who teaches you how to breathe correctly until you can relax.
While the Zoloft helped me to sleep and get over my slump and the biofeedback helped me learn to relax, I wasn't cured of my headaches. My headaches had mainly been attributed to stress and heredity, and that was that for awhile. I don't remember for sure, but I'd say I was getting headaches 1-4 times a week (from childhood until college).
Advil has become nearly ineffective. Rest (and my rest I mean going to bed at 7:30) has usually been the only thing that can help me. For a time, I was getting monthly massages. The man I went to see said, "Wait... how old are you?" (20) "I've never seen knots like this on anyone younger than 40..." I have a sick sense of pride about that, mostly because it shows that I'm not lying about what's going on in my body. (Side note. Some people ask if exercise helps - I gotta admit, working out is not a strong suit of mine, but when I spent a year in Texas, we had corporate work outs 3x a week for an hour, working every muscle in our bodies, and I still was as tense as ever, migraines keeping me from my work too often). Another time, this past fall, I got another professional massage and the lady said "I've never worked on anyone for so long with so little results."
Oh, and within the past year, my headaches have gotten out of control. I'd say they've been occurring about 5 days of each week since right before we got married. My best conclusion about this is that I started birth control and it aggravated my head and I was also back on Zoloft after a 4 year break. I decided that I needed to go off of birth control so that I could get some health points back (lol) and it helped a little bit - it took the edge off of the headaches, but the frequency was still as high as ever. I thought maybe I had sleep apnea since I wake up feeling sore and headachey almost daily, and I often hold my breath during the day. In fact, it's almost guaranteed I'll get a headache when I'm taking tests in school because I'm concentrating and holding my breath for as long as I can. Well, the doctor didn't think there was enough reason to believe that I had sleep apnea, but she prescribed some muscle relaxants and naproxen and some physical therapy.
Blah blah blah, there are just too many details. Basically, where I'm at now, is I'm seeing a new chiropractor, my neck is straight and has no curve, muscle relaxants are the only thing that really help anything, but I can only take them at night cuz I get too loopy otherwise. I have this contraption hanging over my door that I strap my head into and it lifts my skull up to relieve pressure, and that helps. I'm also supposed to hang my head off the edge of the couch or bed to try to regain some curvature to my neck vertebrae. OH and I'm wearing colored contacts because the eye doctor said I have large pupils and fair retinas, so too much light is coming into my eyes and causing extra pain. My headaches are less sharp and frequent, but I'm "on stand-by" a good chunk of the week. I have to use ice packs on my neck almost daily, but that helps to ease some of the pain as well.
At this point in my life, I've come to realize that headaches have been a disability and have kept me from a lot of things. I haven't done enough to fight against them, and it's time for me to do so. I firmly believe that God has a lot in store for me, and that I am capable of a lot of things, but not until I conquer my headaches. So, this time of my life is dedicated to finding some sort of solution, and I am ready to fight these suckas the best I can so that I can be a vessel worth using :)
